Choosing to change – about life

It took me a while to discover everything I didn’t want to change I was choosing.

I live isolated because if prefer to be alone. I get uncomfortable with people around me; Yet I want to be more social but it was my choice to say to myself: ‘I’ll start right on it tomorrow.’
This had to change.

First I ordered a new dog. I like something to care for and our daily walks will force me outside again.

Secondly, I asked for help of a mobile unit who are specialized in psychological support. They’ll prep me to go outside and meet people.

If something in your life is bothering you, don’t lament it. Self pity hasn’t helped anybody. Don’t postpone it, just take action.

Life is to short to have things you hate but that are in your grasp to change.

Things you can’t change on the other hand you have to accept as the boundaries life puts on a human.

But learn to differentiate between the two.

Hi, guys I take a break because I have Covid – about life.

My dad infected me. Living with three persons in a tiny house was asking for problems. My head is bursting open and I have a fever. As soon as I better I will regain posting on my site.

I managed I tiny poem:


Head like cheese,
full of holes.
Fever makes the heatwave chilly.
I thought I wouldn’t get it,
but the virus got me.
How long will we have to live with this disease.
Today the world seems to exist only out of problems.

Falling asleep – about life

I remember when I still went to junior high. My dad came home early after a long day of hard working as an industrial electrician. He decided to take a hot bath.

I went to check on him. He was asleep in the bathtub with foam everywhere and the water dangerously close to his mouth.

I didn’t leave the room, terrified. I even did my homework on the toilet besides the tub.

After many hours my mom returned home. I told her what happened. She decidedly let the water out of the tub. It had run cold. Dad lay shivering butt naked on the bottom of the tub.

He growled and started filling the bad again with hot water.

Afterwards he yelled why we didn’t’ wake him, he was all wrinkled. This is a childhood memory I will carry through all of my living days and seems rather funny now.

Covid spreads – about life

Granny got Covid and she infected my dad. We are expecting 40° Celcius. Not the ideal time to get ill. It’s so unfair. My dad finally felt a bit better after his trouble with his pancreas and now this.

We can’t isolate him in the house. It get’s incredibly got upstairs. Hopefully mom and me don’t get it. I feel fine for the moment. We really hate to go into quarantine for seven to ten days. Our food is running out. Mom goes to the pharmacy to pick up some tests. They were closed during the weekend. You could only reach those on guard duty but they could be far away and dad was to sick to drive. Mom and I don’t have a driver’s license.

It’s cynical he got this on my birthday party. I must say it was an original birthday present.

Granny probably got it on a party our of some people for who she repairs clothes. You just see that even with that so called carefree summer the virus still isn’t vanished.

Granny has Covid – about life

She didn’t feel well at our birthday party. My niece tested her on Covid. She was positive. We are not experiencing symptoms. But my grandmother is 82 years old and there is hot weather approaching. We are all scared to death something might happen to her. She is a wonderful woman, a saint actually. Always ready to help, kind, encouraging people. She used to talk for hours with her neighbor who had suicide thoughts. She mends clothes for the neighborhood and charging almost nothing. She is the glue that keeps the family together.

We will phone everyday and insist if the symptoms worsen she goes to the clinic right away.

My uncle is sick too. He is at the hospital, they don’t know what he has but he can’t walk anymore.

The last time it seems we are faced with a lot of tribulations. Maybe it has something to do with people around you growing old?

One pill a day makes – about life

I need medication to balance my mind. Today the supply in the pharmacist was sold out. I went to three others. Same problem. They expected it would take weeks to fill up their stocks because the pills weren’t available in the country at the moment.

I panicked. I get anxiety attacks without them. How can a civilized country like Belgium run out of medication?

So I lock myself in my home until the time comes to go to the pharmacist again. I bought a lot of conserves, food that will expire slowly. Cursing the health system a fear for the worst.

For sane people it is a breeze in the park to go outside. But for me it’s absolute horror. I start to sweat, get dizzy and when the attack is at it’s worst I can pass out through hyperventilating.

I hope the pills are available soon. Otherwise I’ll have to consider venturing out to meet my psychiatrist and have her subscribe an alternative. Problem is, I have to go outside for that too!

Mobile unit – about life

I took the applicant’s papers to my psychiatrist. She had to fill in the blanks.

To get rid of my fear of people I decided to get some professional help. People who come to talk with you and gently put you on your way to recovery.

I already had them over a couple of years ago and was very happy about their presence.

This time I want to go the extra mile and try to be more social. I know it will enrich my life.

If you have emotional problems don’t have fear to seek out help. That’s the only advice I can give you. And have patience. The quest for the ideal match can be long and tiresome. But a life full of grief is even worse.

Writing on Prozac – about life

I take three Prozacs in the morning. It helps me get through the day. I am always a strong supporter for the right medication for the right person.

There can be side effects though. You can turn manic our get thoughts about suicide. But that’s just a minority.

I find it less difficult to express myself taking these drugs. It sparks my creativity.

Before life was an endless bore, it was hard to be enthusiastic about anything.

I tried counselling. It was an utter waste of time. It made me feel even worse.

Thanks to my psychiatrist who can lift you up with kind words and sound medical advice I feel alive again.

For everybody undergoing mental problems I implore you to reach out and seek help. It’s okay to ask for it. You are not weak because of it. It just means you want to improve your life.

Busy, busy, busy – about life

Do you sometimes have the feeling there are not enough hours in the day. That you don’t have enough hands to complete all the tasks ahead of you. I sure felt that a lot in my teenage years. Planning is crucial they say but a crammed agenda you can’t fill up anymore.

Life is short. That’s why we want to experience as much as we can. Look at my country. In the summer there are non-stop music festivals. You can’t possible go to all of them. And that’s when the fear of missing out strikes.
“Maybe the other festival was nicer?”

The crucial thing to remember is that we aren’t omnipresent. We should savor the choices we make and not regret them even if they turned out as great as expected.
There will always be great opportunities ahead. Odds predict a lot of them will be fun ones.

Fear of missing out is more a mental condition than that it’s rooted in reality. We just have to flick the switch to a more Zen-like approach to don’t let it bother us anymore.

I am happy with what I accomplish during the day. I take naps because I rise very early. I haven’t got the feeling I sleep my life away. I play video games, I haven’t got the feeling I waste my time.
And I don’t dare to step outside. Is my life therefore a prison, no it’s more like heaven.

It’s all about resetting your desires. Desire less and you shall be free.

Great expectations? – about life

My dad is slowly dying. We expect a dog in September. Are we trading new life while loosing an old one. It got me drinking again for a while. The constant relapses and visit to the clinics while dad is in soaring pain takes it’s toll.

I play a lot of video games to keep my mind off it. In the morning I make his coffee, put his pills on the table and his coffee cup. I hug him a lot. The end is near I fear. He isn’t eating anymore, the intervals between hospitalizations are becoming shorter.

His only option is surgery that will turn him into a diabetic. He isn’t up for that.

That damn pancreas won’t heal. He didn’t deserve it. The only thing he drank in his life were a couple of beers. They say alcohol is responsible for it. He should quit smoking too, but under these circumstances it’s easier said than done.

How do you cope with severe illness or loss of someone dear to you? Let me know in the comments, I sure could use some advise on the matter.

At the psychiatrist – a poem

My psychiatrist is quite beautiful,
and understanding.
I can be a handful,
her job is very demanding.
It’s walking a tight rope,
giving people hope.
That and medication,
sometimes there is confrontation.
She hates my low self-esteem,
haven’t you the progress seen.
You come from a deep hole,
she said.
You crawled out of it, your achievement whole,
so don’t’ fret,
there is a life for you yet.
With a couple of words,
she gives me a boost
mental swords,
she is my roost,
where I come to nest.
Never giving up at her request.

Relapse

I used to drink,
I do it again.
Deep did I sink.
Hi, my name is Stan.
Hi, Stan!
I am here to turn in my sobriety chip.
I wrecked the ship.
The warm, numbing feeling,
an old friend appealing.
I found comfort once more,
bring my bottles from the store.
Hands are trembling,
without my fix,
while boozing,
throw some vodka in the mix.
The road is steep,
if I want to regain
keep,
my life in check.
Cards need to be dealt,
playing with a full deck.
It’s true, one’s resolve is one’s wealth.

Depression

I can’t see the flowers anymore,
colorblind I move through life
in a haze,
my mind turns to dust.
My movements slow,
drowsy.
I cry all the time,
tears forgotten by others.
They think I seek attention,
I genuinely do.
Those bruises on my soul,
they won’t mend.
I think of ending it all,
in this darkness I dwell.
The light is gone out,
every day melts in the next one
time goes slow.
I forget my surroundings,
turned inwards completely.

Manic

I can’t count the nights,
I didn’t sleep.
Maniacal in my undertakings,
restless.
I was up,
must come down one day.
I made phone calls at 4 AM,
time got blurred along the way.
People fear me,
they don’t understand I was ill.
It’s very lonely at the top,
but the overwhelming sense of joy
the energy,
I miss it sometimes.